


Midnight Sky

by mechanicalbride16



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Gen, Internal Conflict, M/M, Slow Romance, evening thoughts, mutter era look, soft boi Schneider, too long for a one-shot (in my preference at least) so i cut it in two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechanicalbride16/pseuds/mechanicalbride16
Summary: Christoph confronts his own thoughts, his own crisis. At the end of the night, will he figure everything out?
Relationships: Paul Landers/Christoph Schneider | Doom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Rammstein - Secret Santa Christmas Exchange





	1. Drunken Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miyou_da](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyou_da/gifts).



> I may act confident about this fic in our Discord server, but I'm really nervous about this HAHAHAHA I hope you like this, and if not, then I hope you appreciate the effort. It's actually kinda challenging to write this since you want emotional fanfic without any Major Character Deaths, so I used my friend's short film as an inspiration for this one.

* * *

Red and blue lights dance around the dark room. The sound of their drunken singing is muffled in the hallway, thanks to the thick walls of the karaoke room. It may not contain the sound in the room completely, but it’s manageable enough not to disturb the others in the nearby rooms. Beer bottles and glasses were cluttered on the table that was surrounded by a black, leathered sectional couch. 

Christoph smiles in amusement as he watches his friends slowly get drunk within their hours of staying in this place. Till has his arm around Richard’s shoulders, watching the lyrics with hazy eyes as he listens to the man beside him tries to sing clearly. His other friends, Oliver and Flake, were knocked down on the side of the couch in front of him. They were lying on their side with their feet on the floor; Oliver’s head is in front of Flake’s stomach while the other man’s head is behind Oliver’s butt. 

As the only person in their group who doesn't drink that much, Christoph still agrees to come with them. It’s their last day in college, after all, but hanging out in this type of place is the last thing that he wants. He’s not a whore for beers, unlike his mates who have questionable intestines, considering that they all get drunk almost every week.

The song ended, and Richard lets his hand that was holding the mic to drop on its side, the microphone creating a fade ‘thump’, his head lolled on the headrest. Till’s arm remains sandwiched between Richard’s back and the couch. His head slowly lands on Richard’s lap, face flat on his thighs. It’s a very awkward, uncomfortable position for him, his back and shoulders might ache if it goes on for hours.

Christoph looks everywhere. This view isn’t new for him; drunk guys sleeping next to each other, things are in a mess despite their attempt at organizing it and the faint sound of the karaoke announcing the scores. He just sat in his place, stretching his arms and legs with a grunt as he plans how to carry them. 

“I should’ve invited Paul,” Christoph mutters. 

Paul might be smaller than them, but he’s strong enough to assist him in carrying these guys. 

No matter how casual he wants to sound, that night where Paul helps him in bringing them home never fails to take his mind somewhere else. He keeps staring in spaces when he remembers how he always giggles when they were carrying his friends inside their apartment. Paul’s a funny guy, and Christoph being drunk that time just intensifies his feelings. All those laughs and jokes that they shared that time, he’s sure that it won’t happen again, not when he’s completely sober.

But that’s only it, they just had some brief conversation and laughs about stupid things. No confessions.

Richard’s snore cuts his thoughts. He’s glad that his friends are sleeping or else they’ll keep on pressuring him to spit out his thoughts. Maybe they’ll tease him that he’s jerking at Paul every night. 

A smirk shoots its way on Christoph’s face. Of course, they’ll do anything to make him uncomfortable. It’s their last day as college students, why not pissed him off as a remembrance after their years of sticking together? 

Christoph shook his head. He stands up from his seat, then decided to take Till out of the room first. He lowers himself as he takes Till’s free arm, hanging it around his shoulders. As he lifts him from the couch by holding his side, Till’s arm that was jammed between Richard and the couch swiftly slides from the constraints. In return, Till’s weight shifts on Christoph which caused the sober man to grunt, shifting his feet and posture to maintain balance.

They hobbled their way into the hallway. Customers glance at them, but they proceed to mind their own business anyway since it’s not a new sight for them. When they reached the main area of the bar, one of the staff approached them as soon as he saw Christoph struggling to carry Till. 

“Sir, do you need help?” he asked, carrying Till’s hanging arm to swing it around his shoulders. 

“Actually, yes. The other four are still in the karaoke room, all of them are drunk.” 

“Oh… is it on the last room at the left side?” 

“Yep.” 

The staff who seems like a waiter calls his co-workers, pointing a finger at the opened door on the left of the hallway. Christoph watches them as they made their way to their room. He faces the man in front of him, then they proceed to carry Till outside the bar. Luckily, the parking is in front of the establishment, so it only took them a few walks to reach Christoph’s car. 

The waiter removes his hold on Till when Christoph leans the other guy on the door of the back seat. He pulls out his key, pressing the button that unlocks the car, then shoves Till inside once he opens it. 

“Do you still need any help, sir?” the waiter asked, crossing his arms when the cold breeze hits them. 

“Oh, no. It’s enough, thank you.” Christoph digs his hand into the pocket of his pants. “Just a second… here’s some tip.” He pulls out a 50 euro, giving it to the man that is now smiling brightly as he takes the money. 

“Thank you, sir. I’ll share this with my co-workers.” 

Christoph mutters a ‘sure’ when he looks past the man’s shoulder to see his friends carried by the other staff. He chuckles lowly--- he pulls out his phone then takes a shot of his view. 

The waiter bid goodbye to Christoph then he proceeds to enter the bar.

He turns his attention back to his friends carried by the workers. Christoph steps aside from the back seat, opens it, then told the staff to just shove them inside without any arrangement. 

When everything’s settled, he told the staff about the tip which they’re very grateful for. He steps inside the driver’s seat, taking one last look at the boys that were piled on top of each other with Oliver already lying on the floor. 

Christoph turns the key, making the engine hum when it was activated. _This is going to be a long night._

○•○•○

Now that they’re in their apartment, Christoph starts to contemplate on how he’s going to carry them inside. The street is empty, and most of the lights on the apartment are already close. 

_Maybe I should stay here for a while._

Christoph opens the window and turns the engine off. He leans on his seat, adjusting the back of the seat to lean comfortably. A relieved sigh escapes his mouth when his back finally relaxed with ease. 

Now that they’ll only wait for a few weeks for their graduation, Christoph still doesn’t have a plan for himself. He studied for a course that he wanted since day one, but the passion and love that he felt slowly fades until he realized that he’s only studying to finish his studies. 

They’re not that poor, to begin with. Yet they’re not that financially stable for him to shift in different courses. His parents didn’t know about this, it’s only himself. He didn’t even care to say this to his friends, because he didn’t want any drama since they’re his only source of happiness. His friends are one of the reasons why he stayed in his course, and he didn’t want to destroy that kind of relationship. He’s already contented with what he has, and that’s what he learned throughout the years. 

But is he doing it for that reason alone? Or is he doing it to prove something? To prove that there’s something to him despite the hard shell that he’s displaying? Christoph knows his limitation. He knows what’s best for him and he knows what won’t work for him. And he thought that he planned it all out, but it all went into shambles. Now, he’s stuck with what he has, and he just hopes that everything is an intrusive thought.

“We’re here already?” 

Christoph jolts in his seat when Richard croaks. He turns to look at him in the backseat, he’s lying facing Till, and Flake’s back on his behind. He still looks delirious, maybe half asleep from the drinking session earlier. But what surprised Christoph is that he doesn’t mind getting sandwiched between two people. 

“Y-Yeah… we’re here already.” 

“Hmm...” he rubs his eyes with his hand that is hanging off the seat. “Do you need help?”

“Well, yeah. But are you sure that you’re still not drunk?” 

“Look, I already got some sleep. I’m not drunk and I can move properly. Except for the situation that I’m in, of course.”

Christoph chuckles, “Right.” He adjusts his seat in its original position, went out of the car, then opened the backseat door on the driver’s side. Oliver’s legs loosen up from getting bend for almost an hour, that’s why when they’re finally free from being contained in the car, they were spread out to the edge of the gutter.

He yanks Flake’s upper arm to put him in a sitting position. His body slacks as he leans on the seat and his glasses move a bit as he fixes his position. As expected, he’s still asleep. Christoph watches Richard getting up to sit on Till’s lap, stretching his arms upward with a grunt. For some reason, even if Richard seems sober enough, it doesn’t bother him that he’s sitting on a lap. 

“Move,” he mutters. Christoph steps aside on the opening. 

Without any talks or brief conversation, Christoph decides to carry Flake first. He grabs the arm of the sleeping guy, hangs it around his shoulders, then carried him towards their flat. 

Richard took care of Till, which is very hard for him because the man is twice his size and taller than him. Nevertheless, he manages to carry him towards the third floor of the apartment. When they reach the room, he was panting and sweating. His knees are getting weak and they still have Oliver on the vehicle so he drops Till on the couch of their living room. 

Richard slumps on the floor, leaning his back on the couch with his legs spread lazily. 

“Hey, you good?” Christoph asks when he went out of the bedroom. 

“Yeah, just tired.”

Hand propping on the couch, Richard was about to get up when Christoph shoots his hand up as a gesture to stop. 

“It’s fine, Oliver is not that heavy to carry. You can rest now.”

Just as he expected, Richard gives him a thumbs up and move to lay on the floor. 

A few minutes later, after he put Oliver beside Flake in their room, Christoph enters his room. Since it’s the only room with a double-deck, he shares it with Richard and Till. He’s on the top, while the others are on the bottom. But this time, he decides to stay on the bottom part of the bed. 

He lies on the “somehow” soft cushion; his head lying on his hands.

Just a few weeks, and they’ll be moving out of this place. They’ll return to their families, have their own lives, and most of them will be having their own jobs. Christoph should be excited, but it’s not how he envisions it. It’s not how he feels and how he sees his future as a fresh graduate. It’s odd that at this moment, he starts to overthink everything. He needs to find the road that he’s been looking for. 

But is it too early since he hasn’t graduated yet? Or too late because he just passed up the chance to shift courses? 

For someone who claimed that he truly knows himself well, Christoph is surprised that he doesn’t know the answer to that question. Whenever someone asks him what his favorite band was, his favorite food, favorite car, and shirt, he straight-forwardly answers them. But now that he asks himself what he wanted now that he’s going to be completely on his own, his thoughts just leave him alone. 

All his plans that he made for himself just ends up in the ditch. It’s now useless… and non-sense.

“Fuck…” Christoph groans, clenching his eyes shut before slowly opening them, “Just let me sleep.”

Then he closes his eyes. He waits for sleep to drive him out when his phone vibrates continuously from his pocket. 

“Oh, c’mon!” 

He shoots up from his position, sitting with his hand planted on the bed then picks up his phone using the other. 

Christoph answers the call without reading the name of the caller, “Who’s this?” 

“Sorry for disturbing you, Chris. I didn’t know that you were sleeping.” The man on the other line laughs.

“If you’re here to piss me off, then go fuck yourself.”

He removes the phone from his ear, he was about to end the call when he saw Paul’s name on the screen. _What the fuck?_

“Wait!” his hand shoots up to his ear, “I’m sorry I didn’t know that it was you, Paul.”

And now his heart beats into a familiar, wild rhythm. _Why did he call in the middle of the night?_

“Did you just answer me without checking who’s calling?”

“Um… yeah” 

Christoph hears another cackle on the line, “So that’s why you’re grumpy.” 

“Yeah,” Christoph huffs. “Sorry about that.”

“Nah, it’s fine… I was just thinking of going out tonight. But since you sound tired---”

“W-wait, you’re… you’re asking me... to go out with you?” 

Christoph is glad that Paul didn’t FaceTime him. It would be embarrassing to see his face getting rose-red. 

“Yup. Just the two of us. Wouldn’t it bother you? It’s fine if you don’t want.”

“Oh, it’s--- it’s fine. Actually, I, uh, can’t sleep.” _Well, it wasn’t a lie._

“Hm, good for me, I guess?” Paul chuckled. “I’ll be going there now. We just had a party at Jen’s apartment. You know where it is, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll just fix myself for a while. I mean, I look like shit.” Christoph laughs lightly. “We also had a night out earlier so… I guess you know how shitty I look right now.”

“Oh, right.” Paul laughs at the memory of Christoph with messy hair and a scruffled shirt. He looks like he’s been ravaged in the jungle since he’s the only one that carries them all to the car, right from the club. Fortunately, Paul was walking on the streets when he saw Christoph carrying Richard to the apartment. 

“I’ll change my clothes now. See you later, Paul.” 

“You too, Chris.” 

When the line ends, Christoph shoots up from the bed, throwing his phone on the cushion. He heads straight to the cabinet then began digging through his clothes to find some decent shirt. There’s no way that he’ll go out with Paul with an alcohol stench, although he knew that they had a night out. 

Upon rummaging around his pile of clothes, he finally found a pale brown long-sleeve with ash black diamond patterns decorating the chest area. _This will do._

Christoph removes his maroon polo shirt, replacing it with the sweater that he found. Next, he strides to the bathroom in his room. He picks the neon green brush and toothpaste from the mug that is standing on the sink beside the faucet, then he accidentally pours a dollop of toothpaste on his brush. _Fuck,_ he silently cursed on his mind. Shrugging it off, he proceeds to brush his teeth.

He still can’t believe that Paul is asking him to go out with him. No, that can’t be a date. Christoph doesn’t need another thing to worry about. If some relative saw him having an intimate bond with another man, god knows where he’ll end up if his parents knew about it. 

_But what if Paul feels the same…_ Christoph trails off from brushing his teeth. The minty foam already covers his mouth. The familiar, uncomfortable scamper in his chest is coming back. He feels light-headed. _No, I can’t back out. This is just a once-in-a-lifetime moment._

He shook his head--- there’s no way that Paul is gay. Besides, if he does like Christoph, then it’s entirely impossible that they’ll cross each other’s path after their graduation. The universe isn’t that kind to him. 

Christoph spits the foam on the sink, then rinses his mouth. While he was cleaning his toothbrush, he takes a look at the mirror. His hair is scruffled a bit, and his eyes don’t look that tired at all. He can’t believe that he still looks human after hours of spending a night in a bar, and coming home past midnight. 

After he placed the toothbrush back in its place, he slid his hand on his back pocket to get his comb. Just a few strokes on his hair and he’s all set. He took one last look at the mirror. Everything’s alright with his hair slicked back, and his sweater looking neat. 

Christoph exits the bathroom. He looks at his phone; he still has more or less than 8 minutes to wait for Paul. He exhaled shakily, he didn’t expect this evening to be nerve-wracking. Putting the phone back on his pants, he decided to kill his time by sitting on the bed. 

His foot keeps on tapping and tapping the floor. His mind wanders around a bunch of scenarios that could happen once they’re alone. Of course, he trusts Paul enough not to put him in any dangerous situations. But that’s not what he’s worried about. 

It took his roommates for more than 5 months to break him out of his shell. Being with each other all the time helps Christoph to warm up with them. 

With Paul, well, he just knew him for almost 2 years and had a crush on him for a year. 

Once again, Christoph exhales shakily. There’s no use in being nervous right now, not when he agreed on going out with him. All of these overthinking is just making everything worse, but he can’t breakdown--- Paul’s going to arrive soon.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence with his foot endlessly tapping the floor, Christoph jolts when his phone vibrates. He pulls it out hurriedly from his pants.

“Yeah?” 

“Come outside, I’m here in front of your apartment.” 

Without answering back, he ends the call then strides out of his room. Snores filled the area, with Till being the loudest. Richard’s mouth hanging widely open with saliva trailing down his chin. 

Christoph scoffs, he regrets hurrying this time since he won’t be able to take a picture of those two. _Oh well, it won’t be the last time that they’ll end up crazily drunk._


	2. City Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Under the midnight sky, constellations witnessed all the secrets and forming catalysts being smithed during their stay at the edge of the cliff. The fire is starting to ignite once again in their hearts, but different aspirations kindle on the empty candle."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this took a few days to upload HAHAHAHAHAHA Anyway, the songs that were mentioned are: "Enjoy The Silence" by Depeche Mode and "Midnight Sky" by UNIQUE. I hope you'll enjoy the last chapter!!
> 
> P.S. These songs will be provided on the hyperlinks. But just a reminder that it will not be fully played.

  
The cold breeze ghosts on his face as he steps outside the building. A navy sedan is parked on the side, the window of the passenger’s seat is open. Loud punk music is playing on the stereo of Paul’s car. But luckily, it’s not loud enough to disturb everyone. 

Christoph keeps a casual persona as he approaches the car. He knocks on the door to call the attention of the other man. Paul, who is sitting with his feet on the dash, suddenly fixes his posture as he reaches for the passenger’s door to unlock it.

After hearing the clicking sound, Christoph gets in.

“You wear that on the bar?” Paul asked, turning the volume of the stereo down.

He looks down on his sweater, “Uh… no. I change my top because it smells like beer.” 

Paul chuckles. “Damn, I feel sorry for you. Having to stick with those guys is pretty hard since you’re not a drunkard.” 

“Well…” Christoph laughs silently before looking at Paul. “At least we have fun. They want to spend the night in that bar so, I guess don’t have any choice, you know?” 

“Hm, good point,” he shrugs. 

Christoph puts on his seatbelt, “Where are we going, anyway?” 

The other man looks at him, then bursts out laughing. His torso getting held back by the seatbelt. Christoph just stares at him weirdly, slightly offended about his reaction. 

“Sorry,” Paul covers his mouth with a hand, stifling his laugh. “I’m just… You agreed to join me without knowing where we’re going?” 

As of this moment, Christoph’s cheeks are getting rosy red. His gaze fell on his lap; he squirms under the sight of the man he promised to accompany for this night. 

“Well, you didn’t tell me where we’re going.” Christoph glances shyly at Paul, “And don’t make fun of me, you should be glad I agreed on coming with you.

“I’m not complaining, don’t worry.” Paul’s smug-ish grin remains on his face, “But why did you agree? You can’t sleep, is that it?”

“Y-Yeah.” he ran a hand again on his hair, “Can we talk about this later?” 

“Sure,” he laughs softly. 

Paul turns the engine on, told Christoph to close his window, then locked the doors by pushing the button on his door. 

“Pick your poison, Chrissy.” 

Christoph glares at him angrily, “What?!”

“I said, go pick your favorite song.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he mutters as he starts to push the ‘next’ button.

Few skipped songs have passed, he stops when he recognized [the catchy beat](https://youtu.be/ojvldIzbaMo) that he keeps on repeating several times on his playlist. Synths replaced the distorted noises of the guitar. Then a deep, velvet voice starts to sing on the radio. 

_Words like violence._

_Break the silence._

_Come crashing in, into my little world._

Christoph taps his index and middle finger on the armrest, getting along to the beat of the song. His eyes are too busy looking at the street lights and the empty streets. Unbeknownst to Christoph, Paul keeps on glaring at him occasionally with a smirk. 

“I didn’t know you’re into Depeche Mode,” Paul spoke, catching the man’s attention.

Christoph dazedly turns to look at him, “Oh, I just love their song. I’m also kinda surprised you’re also listening to that type of genre.” 

He snorts, “If I keep on listening to punk all day, I don’t think I’ll be able to love it.”

“Makes sense.”

When the second chorus starts to play, Christoph is back on drumming his fingers to the beat. Since this might be the last time he’ll be able to enjoy this place, he always takes a look at his surroundings. He must savor everything he has right now because time will just keep on going. Time changes everything, it even changes him effortlessly. Assuming that he’ll get a job months after he graduates, he knew he’ll never look at this place the same again.

Maybe this place will be a burden to him. Maybe it will make him realize what his passion is, or would wake up something in the recesses of his being. Maybe this would create a permanent change in him, to the point where he’ll never know who he really was. Or maybe it will add fuel to the fire hiding deep inside him.

The song finished, what played next is [a mellow acoustic song](https://youtu.be/sH2jMWcptTY). Christoph never questioned Paul again. But what baffles him is that he hasn’t heard this song before. He turns to ask the other man, and he’s already staring at him. Paul has a smile on his face, but it’s not his usual smug where he’s planning to do something nasty. He’s just genuinely smiling at Christoph. It sends a warm feeling to him, even if he doesn’t know what’s that supposed to mean. 

Christoph just stares at him blankly, although his eyes spark at the sight of the other man. He doesn’t know if he’s blushing, and for the first time in his life, he doesn’t care anymore. He just wallows in the adoring smile in front of him.

“Do you like the song?”

“Yeah,” he whispers albeit loud enough to be heard.

“Do you mind if I put this on loop?”

He just shook his head. Paul presses a button on the stereo that would make it play repeatedly.

As they go further, establishments and street lights slowly dissolve in the view. Trees start to replace their spot, but the song never changes. Christoph feels unusually at ease beside the man who always made his heart run fast.

Is it the song? Is it the change of surroundings? Again… he doesn’t know. But he likes it. And he hopes this isn’t the last time, yet he always knew that the universe can’t give him that chance. Christoph keeps on shoving it in his mind to make himself numb from the pain. It works, yet he can’t help but feel hurt when he pertains to the man beside him. 

_Whenever I close my eyes._

_I can see your lovely smile, oh yes._

_And I open it again._

_And then I see... the midnight sky._

With his elbow on the armrest, he puts his fist in his mouth. Usually, Christoph barely listens to the lyrics of a song if he’s not familiar with it. He’d just enjoy the beat and would take a second listening if he likes it. Now that he’s in the car beside the person he liked, every word in the song is like a dagger to him. It’s his first time hearing this song, well maybe second considering that Paul made him repeat it. But even before the loop, everything is crystal clear to him. 

He hates it. He hates how every word speaks to him. He hates how it almost perfectly describes his yearning for Paul. It’s only a year, but why does this man hit him differently? Why does it have to happen now, when he’s suffering from an internal crisis that slowly shows his vulnerability?

_Wishing that I'll be_

_The man that you'll touch and see_

_I'll give my love that can't explain..._

And there it is, the weird, sudden adrenaline that he felt every time he wants to confess. Christoph bites his fist. The intensifying desire surrounds him like fire in each second that the song plays.

Before he explodes and lets his emotion get the best of him, the car stops in the middle of the road. Tall trees surround them and street lamps are the only source of light in this place aside from their car. The stereo suddenly stops playing, causing Christoph to look at Paul. 

“Let’s go,” Paul opens his door after he turns the engine off, tucking the key on his pants. Christoph hesitates for a second, then follows the other man as he starts to walk towards the forest on their side.

“Are you sure we’re safe here?”

“Yep. I always go here when I want to clear my mind or just spend some ‘me time’ after finals.” 

He looks at him confusingly, raising an eyebrow. “You like forests?”

“No…” he steps over the branch, “I just like the view.”

Christoph blinks, getting more confused at the man he’s talking to, “What view?” 

“Just follow me.” 

Once again, silence fell over them. At this moment, Christoph starts to hear the chirping of the crickets, fading clicks of geckos, and the rustling of leaves. It’s quite relaxing, but he can’t just shove away his uncertainty when the trees get a bit thicker. Thanks to the moon and the stars, they can still see their path even if their shine is muffled by the clouds. 

They were just going straight ahead, grass brushing their ankles and the bulky feeling of pebbles underneath their feet. Their trail gets uncomfortable to Christoph, but he just shoves away his minor distress. He knew that once they get there, every discomfort will be paid off. Besides, Paul invited him. Who is he to refuse and backout when the man he wanted requests for his company? Only a fool would do that.

There are only a few trees ahead of them, a wide clearing slowly appearing on their sight. Every second that passes, a lift from Christoph’s back is being taken away. It looks like just a single string of fairy lights in the distance, but when they walk past the last row of trees, the city lights are scattered everywhere they look.

Christoph stares at the view. His mouth agape, unable to say anything at the moment. Golden lights underneath the cliff manage to illuminate the sky, creating a pastel yellow gradient below the pitch-black clouds. The silhouette of trees down below emphasizes the lustrous glow of the city. 

This scenery is not new to him, he has seen this in romantic movies where the main character takes their love interest on a life-changing trip. And there are countless photographs with this similar view. He thought he’ll never be surprised once he set a foot on places that he usually saw in series and movies. 

But here he is, standing completely in awe. His mind leaving him vacant as his eyes feasts on the enchanting cityscape. _And I reckoned I already have seen everything..._

“Enjoying the view?”

Christoph instinctively turns, suddenly realizing that Paul was beside him for a while. “Yeah… it’s charming,” he said while looking at the satisfied grin of the other man. The city from the distance reflects on his eyes, lighting them up with their glimmer on his gray irises.

“Good thing you like them,” Paul said, his gaze never leaving the sight.

He looks back at the view, “You know what? I never thought that I’ll be fond of this.” 

“You always stick your ass on clubs. Of course, you’ll never get fond of hanging alone in this type of place.” 

“Oh, shut up.” Christoph chuckles, “You know that they’re just dragging me because they need some assistance on their drunk asses.”

“I know,” Paul turns his head at him, “But still, you need to have time with yourself.”

“Easy to say.”

“Oh, c’mon Chrissy.” Christoph gives him a death glare, but Paul continued. “We all know that you’ll have more fun time with yourself if you just don’t bury your head underneath those books whenever Richard is not inviting you to go to the bars.”

“I have a grade to maintain, okay?” Christoph said irritatingly. “Besides, it’s worth it. I’ve been in Dean’s Lister for years because of that.”

“But you never enjoyed it,” Paul calmly told him.

He raises an eyebrow at him, squinting his eyes in confusion. “What do you mean? I’m already contented with what I have.”

Paul just snorts, muttering an “okay” to finish the conversation before it heats up. However, it still leaves Christoph to wonder. He stares back at the view, his thoughts suddenly swarming back on his mind. 

He studied for five years, spending tons of money to comply with the requirements. Within those five years, his passion slowly dies. The dream job that he was looking forward to before, will just be another job. Inside those years, he wonders if he overuses the fuel that’s been holding the fire up to the point that... it just died down.

“Do you mind if we sit here?” Paul asked, breaking the silence. Christoph shook his head, then they sit on the grass. Their legs crossed, facing the city lights. 

“How did you find this place?” It was Christoph’s turn to ask. 

“Well, I was bored one time then I decided to drive somewhere. I don’t know what’s got in my head but, I just keep on walking here in the woods. Maybe I want to get lost at that time, then I just get lucky,” Paul ends with a shrug.

“Why? What happened?” Christoph asks, it seems obvious that he’s listening intently at him. 

The other man laughs bitterly, something that Christoph didn’t expect. “Nothing… it’s just that--- everything feels like shit. I was just tired at that time… tired of being stuck and restricted.”

“Yeah, I get that feeling.”

The moment of silence between them wasn’t the awkward one that Christoph anticipates. Instead, it was a tranquil atmosphere that surrounds them. Both of them wanted to say something, but the silence keeps their mind clear. They just stared at the view. In ordinary days, it would just be a plain sight good for taking pictures. A plain sight where couples would find romantic for their dates. But for the two of them, it’s something else that they can’t comprehend.

“Say, Christoph…” Paul adjusts his seat--- propping his hands behind him, leaning back on them as he looks at Christoph. “Is there something else bothering your mind?”

He furrows his brows at him, “Why would you ask that?”

“You’re the one who keeps on asking. Maybe it’s time for me too.”

“Fair enough,” he mutters. 

Christoph took a deep breath. He felt like he cheated on his friends for not opening anything to them, but then again, this is Paul. The person he likes, and the person he knew for two years. He trusts him, yet he doesn’t know if this is right. Before he starts, he reminds himself mentally to tell everything to his mates. 

“Well,” he sighs, “I don’t know myself anymore. Everything just keeps on changing, and I’m not even sure about my future. I thought that if I planned every single thing before, I won’t have a hard time in the process. But I was wrong, I hope I’ll just learn how to… ride the tides.”

The lump from his throat is slowly getting dissolved. Christoph continues, “But not only that. Just like you, I also feel restricted and controlled. I hate it when I have to prove to everyone that I’m worthy, that there’s something in me. I hate that I have to do everything to be accepted, or just to feel like I’ve been. They don’t have to say it, but I know they’re looking down on me…”

“So… everything that you’re doing, it’s all for them?”

Christoph looks up at the sky thoughtfully, “Basically, yeah. I could barely remember the things that I’ve done for myself. I’ve been trying to be this ‘good son’ that they want, but it doesn’t seem to be enough for them.”

The chirping of the crickets took over again. Everything that Christoph fears were slowly fading out. The thin barrier that hinders him from getting attached to the man is tumbling down. He promised to himself that he’ll never take his guard down, but for this man, he’s already doing it without any hesitation. 

“So it’s not just me who’s been trying to live like a puppet for everyone’s satisfaction,” Paul blurted. 

Christoph shifts his gaze to him, “Hm?”

“Have you ever tried hiding in a closet, Christoph?” Paul asks. He was smiling, yet his eyes are telling another story. 

“What do you mean---” “You know what I mean.”

Christoph bites his bottom lip, zoning out at the grass underneath him. He knows, he’s just acting naive. Out of all the fears and anxieties that are running on his head, this is just the worst for him. His eyes are drifting away from their focus. His breathing is gradually speeding up, chest is getting heavier in each exhales. Another simple question that Christoph ends up making more complicated than it seems. 

He trusts Paul. He already told him about his fear for his future, however, he still doesn’t get why it’s hard for him to open up to the other guy about this part of his life. _Should I tell him already? What if he leaves me? What if he won’t---_

“I guess I’ll take it as a yes…” Paul spoke, his smile turning into a smirk. He turns his head to the sky, “You don’t have anything to worry about. You’re not the only one living in it.”

Christoph lets out the breath that he was holding. Overthinking almost consumes him again. But Paul is always there to slap him out of it. 

“That’s good to know…” A bitter smirk shoots on his face, “But it really just sucks how everything will turn to dust once they find out our true selves. It’s either we’ll suffocate ourselves complying to everything they want, or we reveal ourselves to them---”

“And end up homeless in the streets or getting beaten up in our own homes.”

The two chuckles lowly. The only sliver of hope that they can hold on to is the scenario in front of them; city lights continuing to shine throughout the night while the heavenly bodies above them are slowly unraveling as the clouds continue to move along with the wind. 

“I just wanted to be free.” Paul exhales heavily, “I just wanted to live the rest of my life out of everyone’s eyes and unafraid of everything.”

“Me either.” He plucks a handful of grass, letting the wind take it away from his hand.

Their legs are getting numb, static crawling through their skin as they remain seated for several minutes. But none of them minds the upcoming agony they’ll be going through once they get up. Everything else is put in place and serene--- oh how things would’ve been if that’s how it would be at the end of their tunnels.

“Out of all the guys that you could’ve asked to come with you here, why me?” A smoke escapes his mouth caused by the cold atmosphere.

Paul huffs a laugh. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just felt like you’ll understand me more and won’t judge me for my shits.” 

A hint of disappointment crosses Christoph’s eyes, but it was suddenly overshadowed by delight when he realizes that Paul trusts him too. At this moment, it doesn’t matter what he feels about him. They trust each other, and that’s what matters. There’s a right time for his desire over this man, and right now, all they need is each other’s back. 

_He needs me. I need him. Nothing’s more perfect than this._

Paul leaves his gaze at the city to look at Christoph, his blue eyes glimmer with the stars. He’s still watching the stars, yet he can feel the burning stare of the man beside him. When he looks at Paul, a lazily adored smile lines on his lips. 

“Do you want to stay here for a while?” Paul slithers his hand on top of Christoph’s, ignoring the hoarse texture that the dirt leaves.

Christoph snickers, “Of course. But what are we going to talk about next? I think we’ve already vent our shits out.”

“Hm…” Paul raises an eyebrow, glancing at the stars ahead. “What about... the shits we’ll do once we’re out of their grips? Like all the things we can do once we’re all by ourselves, living a life without a care in the world?”

Under the midnight sky, constellations witnessed all the secrets and forming catalysts being smithed during their stay at the edge of the cliff. The fire is starting to ignite once again in their hearts, but different aspirations kindle on the empty candle.

He laughs, then clutches Paul’s hand. 

“Sounds good to me.”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank my friend for agreeing to be my beta for this fic, as well as supporting this story. Same with my tumblr friend [ castaigne ](https://castaigne.tumblr.com/) for liking the concept of this plot even before I started writing this HAHAHAHA I'd really have a hard time writing this if it wasn't for you guys, so thank you again for the support!!


End file.
